Doubt

It eats at the back of your mind, making those loud chewing noises I detest so much. 

Today I decided that I’m going to be braver. Not in the sense that I’m going to go skydiving, or rock climbing or learn parkour. I mean braver in that deep philosophical sense. I’m going to be myself, pure, unedited. I will embrace the fact that I am the human equivalent of a rushed draft that someone pulled together at the last minute, fuelled by caffeine and desperation.

That’s what it feels like anyhow.

It’s hard being in the middle, in the C+ zone of humans. I’m like a solid six out of ten with good lighting and eight hours sleep, but I guess that means nothing for an insomniac who takes one selfie a year only because there are no “good” photos of her on social media. Our profile pics need to be kept updated right?

I do not look like I did in 2011.

I believe that you can tell a lot about a person from the kind of coffee they order. I’m a flat white girl myself. That’s a stock standard coffee with milk but not quite as milky as a latte in case you don’t call it that where you’re from. I hate explaining Australianisms when I’m not sure if they’re even Australianisms.

I’m not sure.

My friend who I got coffee with two days ago opted for a chai latte. She is chai latte with her good hair, consistent smile and aura of “togetherness”. We’re new friends, so the friendship is still hanging in the balance I guess, but the awkward getting to know you stage passed quickly so I guess that means we work. I think.

She told me I was interesting, like a “different”, deep philosophical friend with a good sense of humour and a dry sort of wit. It was a compliment. She said it with lightness. It was genuine. I don’t know.

Most of the time I think I’m just the middle.Which is okay, most of the time.

I’ll keep ordering flat whites.

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Published by

Kayla Jane

Writer, student and book nerd from Adelaide, South Australia

2 thoughts on “Doubt”

  1. Hey – there’s nothing wrong with being unremarkable. I’m kind of the expert at it, so I should know. Not sure if I’m enough of an authority to call myself an expert, but still. You write wonderfully btw.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for such a kind comment. I always have some trepidation posting things like this, being scared that I’ll come off as entirely negative or too full of self-pity. Hopefully, the writing “carries” it through 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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